Lifetime Member of the Breast Cancer Survivor’s Club
Posted October 20, 2009on:
While my faith assures me that I am now fighting cancer, and that I am winning, I currently feel like whining, because I simply do not want to go through this!!
I whined this morning to my husband “I was a good girl. Why did I get cancer?” He replied with something that sounded like “bad things happen to good people.”
I know it could be worst, I know there are many, many others suffering around the world much more intensely than I — but the question remains unanswered.
I believe I have it in me to fight when I must, just as I have in the past when it’s been necessary – and I believe I will emerge on the other side of this war victorious – even though I don’t like to fight! Always been more of a lover than a fighter more likely to smile and hug you than I am to hit you.
But fighting I am and quite frankly, it’s wearing me out already and I’m not even halfway through the war.
Chemotherapy begins for me on Friday, October 23rd. This morning I showed up at a doctor’s office to have a chemo port surgically placed in my chest, right under my collar bone. He, the doctor, didn’t make it into his office after being called to a trauma incident at the county hospital. The appointment was rescheduled for Thursday morning at the local hospital where my breast surgery was performed.
I was in tears this morning because now that I am recovering from surgery, I am not at all looking forward to the rest of my cancer treatment … port placement, chemo, implant expansions, port removal, ovaries removed, final implant surgery, daily meds for the next 5 years, worry over the possibility of a recurrence the remainder of my life.
I’m tired of feeling the aftermath of cancer, waking up in the mornings, the tightness of my chest reminding me I know longer am in possession of my own breasts. I’m weary of talking about cancer every time someone asks me how I’m doing. But I don’t want to brush the question off because some days I am not “Fine. Thank you.” I am sick of thinking about cancer as I would much, much rather be creating middle-school lesson plans. And yet, I cannot lay down my sword in the middle of battle — I’ll get slaughtered!
I just had this urgent need to tell someone that from day-to-day, even from moment-to-moment, fighting cancer is one bitch-of-a-tough-war, and I just ain’t lookin’ forward to the battles folks!
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month … please schedule your own mammogram, and/or encourage a loved one to schedule one for herself.