Florida's Daughter

One week before surgery and I am afraid

Posted on: September 8, 2009

This is perfect imagery to explain how I feel most mornings ...

This is perfect imagery to explain how I feel most mornings ...

I don’t fear the surgery so much, although I am not looking forward to the pain it will leave behind, or the realization that I no longer have breasts of my own. Or that chemotherapy will make me sick, or that paying for other meds, treatments, and doctor visits will strain our finances, and most likely, our marriage.
 
Eventually, my body will heal from the surgery and left behind will only be memories of what was once upon a time. I will move on and pick my life back up and we will try and move on, forgetting perhaps the memory of this experience, if not the lessons.
 
No, I’m logical-minded enough not to fear the surgery so much. I am afraid that next Tuesday will signal the beginning of my end and that cancer will eventually kill me. If not now, then at some other time.
 
I am afraid that the sacrifice of both my breasts and my ovaries will not be enough of a price to pay for a cancer-free life.
 
I have a lot of Christian family members, friends and acquaintances, and I’m positive that each would counsel me to pray to God for healing, for peace of mind, for comfort. But I am of the belief that God is not sitting around stubbornly waiting for me to pray before he heals me, bestows peace upon me, and graces me with comfort.
 
There is a reason why I am going through this, and I don’t believe it is entirely for my sake. But understanding that my tribulation may be in the end for the benefit of someone else does not make the thought of it any less painful to bear.
 
I know I will die someday. I’ve known since I was a 15-year-old witnessing the death and burial of her 35-year-old mother. But I guess I thought I had more time to write, to travel, to watch my grandchildren grow up, to watch my children realize their dreams and my dreams for them.
 
Now I know that I have less time before than behind me and the realization is forcing me to re-think my priorities, to determine what I want to accomplish before I die, knowing that my life no longer represents the great expanse of time and opportunity I once thought it was.
 
Cancer makes one understand in a way that cannot be read about, or told about that time is precious. That each day is not promised … what a cliche … but cliches are repeated so often because the truth of them is never lost no matter how often the truism is repeated.
 
Already I am tired of thinking about cancer, tired of wondering what ultimate effect it will have on the rest of my life. I feel guilty about talking and thinking about cancer all the time while everyone else around me seems only to have good news to share about new adventures, unchartered discoveries, and renewed relationships.
 
I am boring to my own ears, but there is nothing else on my mind right now … there is nothing else to focus on until I have scaled this mountain, until I have found my way out of this maze.
 
Florida’s Daughter
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4 Responses to "One week before surgery and I am afraid"

If this is any consolation to you, Just know that God is really in control.

Your faith and belief that he is in control will sustain you once you surrender.

I know it’s easier said than done, but know that He really is.

Always remember, the darkest part of night is just before dawn. He will never leave nor forsake you if you BELIEVE.

Find a way to pray and relax on his word. I know from experience that his word works.

BELIEVE and REST!

I love you Cousin! I will be with you in prayer on and before Tuesday!

Wow.. this is REAL TALK, if I’ve ever heard it before. There is nothing more rewarding than just being totally sincere with yourself about how you feel about your situation. I can tell you that I don’t feel like you’re gonna leave this place any time soon, but I am sure no other person’s words can soothe your troubled mind until you feel the same. God is truly in the blessing business and he is blessing you right now. It is in His plan to heal, bestow peace and grace you with comfort, whether you pray to Him or not, because you have a praying family. I will keep your name on tip of my tongue and at the front line of my thoughts when I talk to God because I believe He will come through for you and make it alright.
I love you.

Muriel,

Please know that I will be in prayer for you. Also, if I can be of any help to you, please do not hesitate to call me. You have always been a strong woman — I remember telling you that you looked like you fell out of Essence Magazine!!! Please know that you will scale this mountain….I expect nothing less from you….you are a fighter with a strong belief in God…..you will make it!!!!

Again, please don’t hesitate to contact me…..

Muriel, I am afraid too! Cancer keeps touching my loved ones. Cancer is strong but it can be defeated, or at least stopped in it’s tracks.
I am very angry right now. I’m angry at cancer, at scientists and at me. I am angry that I have comitments that are preventing me from dropping everything and getting down there to you. I am angry that cancer has zapped my strength to fight right now. The scientists have not developed a way to rid the body of cancer. And this cancer stuff just keeps rearing it’s ugly head.
I’m glad you are writing/blogging your experience and feelings. I’m hoping your revelations will encourage someone to get tested and/or fight their own battle.
Know that I love you and am lifting you up in prayer everyday. It’s going to take a lot of strength for you to get through this battlefield, but I know you can do it. You have to. There is much more we have to experience.

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