Lifetime Member of the Breast Cancer Survivor’s Club
Posted on: October 20, 2009
While my faith assures me that I am now fighting cancer, and that I am winning, I currently feel like whining, because I simply do not want to go through this!!
I whined this morning to my husband “I was a good girl. Why did I get cancer?” He replied with something that sounded like “bad things happen to good people.”
I know it could be worst, I know there are many, many others suffering around the world much more intensely than I — but the question remains unanswered.
I believe I have it in me to fight when I must, just as I have in the past when it’s been necessary – and I believe I will emerge on the other side of this war victorious – even though I don’t like to fight! Always been more of a lover than a fighter more likely to smile and hug you than I am to hit you.
But fighting I am and quite frankly, it’s wearing me out already and I’m not even halfway through the war.
Chemotherapy begins for me on Friday, October 23rd. This morning I showed up at a doctor’s office to have a chemo port surgically placed in my chest, right under my collar bone. He, the doctor, didn’t make it into his office after being called to a trauma incident at the county hospital. The appointment was rescheduled for Thursday morning at the local hospital where my breast surgery was performed.
I was in tears this morning because now that I am recovering from surgery, I am not at all looking forward to the rest of my cancer treatment … port placement, chemo, implant expansions, port removal, ovaries removed, final implant surgery, daily meds for the next 5 years, worry over the possibility of a recurrence the remainder of my life.
I’m tired of feeling the aftermath of cancer, waking up in the mornings, the tightness of my chest reminding me I know longer am in possession of my own breasts. I’m weary of talking about cancer every time someone asks me how I’m doing. But I don’t want to brush the question off because some days I am not “Fine. Thank you.” I am sick of thinking about cancer as I would much, much rather be creating middle-school lesson plans. And yet, I cannot lay down my sword in the middle of battle — I’ll get slaughtered!
I just had this urgent need to tell someone that from day-to-day, even from moment-to-moment, fighting cancer is one bitch-of-a-tough-war, and I just ain’t lookin’ forward to the battles folks!
Florida’s Daughter
October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month … please schedule your own mammogram, and/or encourage a loved one to schedule one for herself.
3 Responses to "Lifetime Member of the Breast Cancer Survivor’s Club"
November 2, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Muriel,
How eloquently you have documented your experiences. My mother has had a rare form of malonoma cancer for 53 years, and my daughter had thyroid cancer at age 17. We learn to live with cancer and survive with the assistance and love of family and dear friends who truly love us regardless of the ups and downs of this horrible disease. May God keep you on the path to total remission. God bless you and we will keep you in our prayers.
I worked with your wonderful husband in Texas. His love and respect for you was always evident in his conversations of you.
November 10, 2009 at 9:58 am
Idalia,
Thank you for your kind words. We are both fortunate to have met Richard, my wonderful husband 
He has been for me such a loving, loyal, hands-on caregiver … this ordeal would be so much more difficult without him standing by my side, and sometimes behind me when I’m faint.
We will keep you and your family in our prayers as well.
October 21, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Muriel, I wish I had some wise words to say to you -something along the lines of “you will fight because . . .” or “never give up . . .”. But the reality is, I have nothing wise to say. I only know your experience through your words. I only can guess the depth of your physical and emotional wounds.
What I do know for sure is you are a woman of unparalleled strength and resilience. Your perseverence and determination have gotten you where you are today. You are a woman of many amazing talents and accomplishments, and you have true emotion and unconditional love that comes from deep within your soul. I also know that you will carry on; you will fight; you will be victorious. Somehow you will find the strength and courage deep within yourself to take each day one at a time and to always be moving towards the day when this is just a distant memory.
Although I cannot know for certain what your experience is, I promise to be your supporter and cheerleader, your friend through it all. I will not give up, and I know deep within my heart that you will not give up either.
With love and peace,
Susan